Some things never leave you. No matter how long ago, you feel as if they happened yesterday. This is the story of my past. Not just the things that led me to treatment, but getting treatment for those things as well.

I told myself that the abuse I suffered as a child did not affect me. This is the story I told myself for years. I was strong. I ran away and successfully escaped. I was a survivor-I still am. I was unaffected. However, none of these things, beyond being a survivor, were true. I was affected. I still am affected. This was just the fiction I told myself.

It began slowly enough. I noticed a sadness that I couldn't explain. I thought it was just a lack of sleep. Maybe a good night’s rest would fix it. It didn’t. I had always had night terrors, so good sleep only happened when I was utterly exhausted anyway. The sadness only persisted, became deeper until I lost my ability to function at all. My fiction was no longer working.

I finally had to admit there was something deeper occurring within me. Perhaps I was more affected by the physical and psychological abuses of my past than I originally thought. I began seeking help, but with private insurance, it was difficult. After getting turned away, I found myself in Forest View in Grand Rapids. Spending a week and a half in a mental health care facility felt like a failure to me. This made the depression worse. I was better than this. But the truth is, this was not a failure, this was the first step I had taken to successfully dealing with my problems.

I came to HealthWest in a sorry state. Misdiagnosed, penniless, and close to eviction. My depression and anxiety were far worse than they had ever been. They gave me a second opinion, corrected my disability so I could start getting paid again. This was just the beginning of my new lease on life.

I came to understand that my depression was just one aspect of a much bigger problem. Spending all of those years surviving had left me in a constant state of survival. My nervous system had developed into something vile. The night terrors, anxiety, and depression were all symptoms of CPTSD. I had ignored them for years. I had told myself none of these things were an issue. My only failure was not taking them for the warnings they were.

Through medication and therapy, I was able to control the symptoms. I came to understand that none of the things that happened to me were my fault, and therefore the result of those things was not my fault either. While this took me years to understand fully, it is what allows me to share my story so openly.

Everything happens for a reason. To teach us a lesson, to help us grow as people, or to help others. I fully believe that what I went through was to allow me to help others going through the same things. Crying is not weakness. Getting help is not a failure. Lying to ourselves is the only thing that holds us back from becoming the best versions of ourselves. Being affected by traumatic events is completely normal. Getting help is a strength that we should be proud of. Even if you can’t speak right away-that is okay; it takes time to open up. It takes even more time to realize those things had more to do with your abusers than they ever did with you.

HealthWest has helped me realize all of these things, and they can help you too. All you need to do is take the first step.