A Letter to My Past Self

by Meghan Sonder

Dear brave, sweet girl,

If only you knew what you know now, you would not spend so much time in the dark. So much time lost, scared, sad, and alone. If only you could see what you are truly capable of-the kindness, intelligence, and strength you possess.

Right now, I know that it all seems so bleak. Your inner monologue is telling you all kinds of things that aren’t true. That you are useless, unwanted, unloved, unlovable, these things are not true in the slightest!

The truth is, sweet girl, that you are struggling with the things you have been taught your entire life by those who were supposed to love you, supposed to care for you, supposed to build you up, not tear you down. I am writing this now to tell you that this is not forever. There is light at the end of this tunnel.

While it is unfortunate that the path laid out before you is difficult, even treacherous at times, you will make it through because you possess a strength that those who abused you do not. This is what they saw in you; this is what they desired to break in you, but you did not let them. I know that you are tired. Tired of having to be strong, tired of having to put on a brave face when everything inside of you is crumbling, but you just need to do it for a little while longer. Even now, as you are crying, hands tightly clenched around those pill bottles, considering ending your life, you know deep down that you can’t. You know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a reason for all of it, and you will discover it if you just see this through.

You reached out. You found a way to get the help you need. The help you always needed, but those who took you in were just too self-absorbed to get you. You have done so many things on your own, and for that alone, you should be proud. You found a way to escape your abusers all on your own. You fought to stay away from them for a year after and succeeded in the face of so many obstacles. You stood up for yourself and spoke your truth loudly, even though you were afraid, and that is the mark of true courage: being afraid, but brave enough to fight anyway.

Now you are struggling with your foundation of fictions crumbling beneath you, but you can fight this, too. You will fight this because I am here, able to write this letter to you. You have come such a long way. You can share your story now with the understanding that you did nothing wrong, you have set and enforced boundaries, and you have found beautiful people to bring into your life who truly love and care for you.

Sometimes, on our darkest days, we simply need to be reminded of who we are, and you, brave, sweet girl, are so much more than even you realize. You are so much more than those who tried to destroy you told you. Do not give in, do not believe in their fiction about who you are. Read this letter and be reminded of how strong, brave, kind, generous, smart, and resilient you are. You have done so much with so little. Carry this letter with you, read it every time those dark thoughts come creeping in. Read it over and over as many times as it takes for you to believe the words on the page, because sweet girl, once you believe-truly believe-no one will be able to dim your light again. I believe in you.

Sincerely,

The Woman You Are Becoming